Boundary Realignment is the New Fight.

realign boundaries

Yesterday was not a good communications day for the King and I. He already has an attention span that is minimal at best, picture a ferret on crack, team that with zero patience and you get ….”  I have NO idea what you’re saying” as a regular answer to something I might be trying to discuss. So trying to discuss anything of any significance is futile. However I tend to be a slow learner and still try to have these conversations where I expect him to listen and comprehend….In my defense over the last 23 years I have learned that the big stuff needs to be in writing. All our best fights are done by email. Come on, stop judging, this is an awesome way to fight! There’s no emotion, and you have time to formulate how you want to respond. I’m way wittier that way 😛

Anyway back to the weekend, we were not communicating well at all and while getting frustrated with each other, we had heated but playful banter. Miss Gremlin didn’t like it at all, she thought we were fighting. We had to explain that we don’t really fight and we were just having a discussion. We have nothing really to fight about, we seem to have done all that many years ago, we know each other well enough to know when to pick the right time 🙂 Like DON’T try to to talk about anything for at least an hour after the King wakes up! And you’ll get a way better response to any strange requests or wrong doings after you’ve put out! (Am I right Ladies?)

While we were discussing all of this we were enjoying our meal together outside. Meals times are always great teachable moments.The most interesting topics come up, well in our house anyway! Grand Master D  made a comment that he’s never heard us fight and that was really cool. I felt inwardly proud of us as a couple. Of course by the time he came along we’d sorted out a lot in our relationship, even though we continue to have the occasional boundary realignment along the way. We talked to them both about having opinions and the fact that even though we’re married, we are still our own people and we do have differing ideas and we do occasionally argue but we don’t do it in front of them. We explained that it’s not fair to them and not something they even need to know about. My parents never fought in front of me and I don’t believe children need to be involved in their parents differences, it’s unsettling.

Home needs to be a secure place and children should be shielded from marital problems as much as possible. I felt quite proud that the kids hadn’t really heard us fight before… I feel like we’re doing something right.

If you must argue and we all must sometimes, try to do it out of earshot of the children. I’m sure thats what all the experts say 🙂

Over the years we’ve worked out how to fight really well… we email back and forth, get a bit yelly late at night so the kids don’t hear, then after the appropriate amount of time the King will say ‘I’m sorry you got angry at me’, and then it’s done!

It’s quite perfect in it’s own fucked up way. We’re happy, and that’s what counts, right?

How do you fight with your significant other? Do you try not to fight in front of the children? Do you use social media? Have you worked out most of the kinks in your relationship?

It’s really about picking the right battles…… isn’t it?

Comments 9

  1. Desi and I do not fight. We have “disagreements.” And we avoid heated discussions in front of the children. They don’t need to be involved in adult conversations, especially if it’s upsetting to them. 20+ years, as you put it and we’ve realigned most of our kinks. Desi is a very patient man. He is far too busy and passive for social media. So the limited time we have to discuss anything important has to be quick.

  2. I’m a big advocate for “whatever works” because I think people who get caught in trying to emulate what works for others tend to lead miserable lives. Which is not to say there aren’t things to learn from others successes and misadventures.
    Kris and I fight (though not nearly as often as Kris would like). She comes from a long line of adversarial warriors whose crest when translated from the Latin reads something like “he who speaks loudest and finishes last, wins”. Our penchant for allowing the argument to be had in front of the kids revolves largely around the context of the argument and how close we are to aerodynamically sound crockery.
    I must confess though that my experience growing up was of two parents who were very loving and kind and thoughtful and communicative but not at all adverse to “having a go” at each other from time to time. It wasn’t that these fights were had in front of us, it was that they were so voluminous that the neighbours 3 doors down knew they were having a barney (as my mum would call it) so there wasn’t really any missing it. I remember being upset about this at one stage and asking mum about it and whether it meant they were getting a divorce and she looked at me lovingly and said “Even best friends fight. I will love your father till the day we die. Neither of us are going anywhere, we just have stuff to sort through”. To me it was probably one of the greatest lessons of their marriage; imperfection (even in front of your kids) is ok as long as they know that there are some core absolutes that will never alter, like your love for them and each other. The bedrock is important.
    If I’ve managed to teach my girls anything I hope it’s that their commitment to the one they choose to love should not be based around any notion of perfection or idealism in their partner or themselves or in what their parents did or didn’t seem to have.

    Great post as always Molly.

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      I do love it when you comment Tim, you always make me laugh… I think Kris’ motto is a good one, although in my house I will never be the loudest or last, therefore I pick my battles 🙂

  3. We have discussions too, but my son called them a fight. It was so embarrassing to actually hear him tell somebody, “My mom and dad fight all the time.” After that I explained to him what the difference was. 😉 TALU

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  4. I love the idea of a boundary realignment! Too funny. My husband and I like to banter as well. We try not to do it in front of the kids when we’re getting too into it, but if we do, we make sure they know we’re not really arguing. We’re just debating something. Funny thing is that our oldest dog is the one who gets all worried that we’re fighting!

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  5. I love Tim’s comment! Whatever works for the particular couple. The Husband and I argue a lot. The kids listen with a lot of interest. Sometimes things get heated. But, they always see us kiss and make up. And, we’ve told them often enough that we are best friends, so now, they’re pretty chilled about seeing us having a go at each other! Plus, I don’t want them to get the impression that couples do not/should not fight! Pretty boring relationship, in my opinion!

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