Seriously, Don’t Try This at Home

There has been much discussion in this house about the necessity of hair, you know…. down there. Here’s your warning, If you’re squeamish about this type of information, don’t wanna know, are male or generally not into talking about personal stuff you might wanna move along. In fact if you weren’t born with lady parts then you should just go now, to the man cave, open a beer and we’ll call you later.

This is about Brazilians and not in an exciting, might get to see some way, so just don’t even try to continue.

It is not for the faint of heart. I promise you can’t unsee what you’re about to read so don’t try and kid yourself. You should go  and read up on how to be an awesome DIY man or something.  Seriously, GO AWAY!

Jeez, finally, some people are really hard to convince that there are things they just don’t need to know about women. Sheesh.

Ok , now for the rest of you, this is your last chance to go and read about puppies and shit…

Still here? Well, look at you … pervs.

Alrighty then here it is, men seem to have a thing about clean, shaved noonoos. I blame porn but whatever and of course it is becoming more frequent/popular and normal for women to sport a bald vag. Each to their own and great if you like that but I don’t, there I’ve admitted it. I think it’s weird, creepy, child like and ick. We were blessed with bush for a reason right? To keep us warm, to keep us clean, to add a bit of mystery, whatever but the King has been on my case. Over the years we’ve experimented and I’ve shaved etc but that’s terrible because when it starts to grow back it’s like you’ve got a bad case of crabs with all the scratching ( I’m imagining here, having never had lice in my pubes)  so I don’t do that shit anymore.

I do keep a tidy lady garden, trim the hedges and keep the grass short but I prefer some ground cover. But he’s been relentless in his suggesting it. R E L E N T L E S S, seriously shut the fuck up about it already.

Ok, I’ve had kids and procedures and stuff. I’m not modest. I can throw my legs up in the stirrups and talk about shit as well as the rest of them but I baulk at taking my panties off in the nail salon and having the girl whose teaching me spanish, while she scrubs my feet, get all up in my vag with hot wax. Call me a prude but we all have our limits!

image credit: imagery majestic

In a weak moment, yesterday, only God knows why, (I’ll be discussing that with him later) I decided to go and see if there was anything available to give this brazilian wax thing a try at home. Oh I know, what the hell? It must have been the euphoria of the massage that had me thinking I wanted to get all ‘husband pleasing’.

So I walked into the Rite Aid and there it was. I’ve never seen it on the shelf before but there it was 1 single jar of hot wax especially designed for Brazilian and bikini waxing AT HOME. OMG, what is wrong with me? I bought it and then I saw the bikini zone cream, an analgesic designed to reduce the pain, so I bought that too! It was like I was possessed. Like The King had entered my purchasing self and was going to town on buying crazy products to make me smooth.

This looks like a good idea-it’s not!

SO munching on my snickers and getting all brave on the way home, I decided that the perfect time to do this was immediately. I am one of those people, when I get an idea, I need to act on it immediately if not sooner. I’m annoying that way 🙂 . So straight home and out with the instructions… It was luckily one of those rare days that the King ACTUALLY left the house and I was alone. Thoroughly reading the booklet enclosed I figured, I know whats going on, I’ve dabbled in hot wax before, I use nads strips all the time. I got this.

Microwaved hot wax in one hand and a gut full of snickers and courage I ascended into the torture chamber AKA my new speaker endowed bathroom. Getting  the mood set, I put on some good hard rock and with the ice cream stick in wax, I began.
Now I know the shorter the hair the better and easier and less painful. I also know enough to just do small patches at a time, lest you get into trouble and the wax dries quicker than you can work. Starting at the top, the least sensitive of the vag area, I began…. apply, count to 15, make an edge with which to grab and rip! MOTHER FUCKER… that hurt!.

Nope it’s OK I can do it, I can and I’ve started now so…next section, going down not across I did a smaller patch, yep still hurts but I kept going. Now at this point it’s all about the flattening of areas that are used to being round and plump if you get my meaning and so it started to get awkward but I was working it out. Not so hard.

Third patch in a more difficult area to flatten and I think in hindsight that I should have trimmed just a little more and …. get a grip and rippppppp…OUCH! Well that didn’t work, get another grip and riiiippppp… AAAAAHHHHHHH. Nope, nope, cold sweats, LOTS OF silent swears.

Hmm now what, oww, nope stop, hmm shit. The wax was hardened. It warned of this in the booklet, don’t take more than a minute because the wax will get hard and make it more difficult to remove, great. So there I was naked from the waist down with dry wax stuck to my hairy nethers and it was too painful to rip.

So what to do? I’m a problem solver, from a long line of problem solvers and so I got out the nail scissors and slowly and extremely carefully, I gently snipped and pulled and swore and sweated though the next 15 minutes to get the quarter size piece of wax off.

Now at this point you’d think give up don’t do it any more but nope, not me. This puppy was gonna be bald, I’d committed. And so learning from my novice mistake I used very small amounts and worked quicker.

As I worked across the less sensitive areas again I regained some confidence and the job was getting done. And then in the curve of the other side it happened again. Holy Shit! There was no way back, only forward to the finished product and so with the scissors in hand and careful ripping I finally got done. The pain was intense, I’ve never waxed that particular area before and so the shock to those little follicles was profound. I’m so glad I bought the lidocaine bikini zone cream.

OMG, as I lathered that shit on more liberally that recommended, the sweet numbing sensation of barbiturates brought me stupendous relief. And  every hour after that when I reapplied!

The King, oblivious to all the trauma and after receiving several unheeded hints, finally made the great discovery and like a little boy at Christmas could not contain his ‘growing excitement’. My ‘look don’t touch policy’ was not gonna fly no matter how strongly I protested but luckily such incredible excitement can never be contained for more than a minute or two 🙂 (see what I did there?) and after what I’d just been through, and several doses of lidocaine, I could handle two minutes of pretty much ANYTHING.

Things I learned through this experience:

Some jobs should just be left to the professionals.

My status as awesome wife has been elevated to ‘Supreme Being’.

No actual tears were shed but my vag is not really speaking to me right now. (applies more lidocaine)

I have no idea if I’ll do it again. Maybe my brain will block it out, just like childbirth until it’s time to do it again…

But somehow I highly doubt it. He better enjoy it until it grows back in, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that.

So tell me, do you have any beauty fails to share?