Where I have to let go of the hope that we’ll ever be Normal….

When I was little I dreamed of a life, a normal life, you know, married, children, home, a nice, neat normal life. You know what I mean, the suburbs, the 9 to 5…..I’m thinking Brady Bunch or Huxtables. Either one works for me, they’re nice happy families with just your average issues, comfortable income, nice home, well rounded lives……Here’s where it all falls down…..It’s fucking Television! Am I kidding myself?

Sadly yes………….I don’t have that life, I won’t ever have that life. I have this life. The life where computers out number family members, where once my living room was a repair shop for dozens of computers. They’d live on the coffee table, permanently in pieces.

I have a life where musicians record in my home until 3am, where board meetings happen on a Sunday around our dining table. Where film crews come and invade.

Our businesses have always been in our home, punctuated with office space elsewhere, which lasts about 6 month only to be back in our home. I learned how to breastfeed in my living room surrounded by staff.

I never know how many mouths I’ll feed at a meal but because of this I’m exceptionally good at making meals go around to extras.

I live a life where, when the door bell rings and The King announces “oh yeah so and so is coming for dinner!” palm to face, I smile and be gracious. Where there’s always extra people coming or going.

Sounds exciting? ……Nope, it’s hard, I’m always on alert for change, things that will mess up my calm. I am patient, I am kind, I am easy going and I am all too accommodating. It’s my coping mechanism, I’ve learned to just go with the flow but I hate it.  I hate change, it makes me feel out of control and vulnerable, never knowing what comes next. I’m not very adventurous, although I’ve done some amazing things. I would never have done them if I hadn’t met The King.

He’s the adventurous one, the thrill seeker, the one who needs pressure and change and discomfort to function. And that’s how we live our lives, always changing something, even if it’s as small as the living room furniture. Things never stay the same. As soon as things get easy and comfortable then he sets about a new challenge, a way to get the adrenaline he needs to function optimally. Unfortunately for me that means adjusting to new all the time and a new rash or other stress trigger 🙂

That’s how we ended up here in the US in the first place!

I fight it all the time, I want calm and normal, everything the same… it’s safe. The King comes up with hair brain ideas ALL the time, almost daily and I always say no and get cross and fight it, not because I think I can win but because I need to, just to live in the hope that we might have normal lives. It’s a funny dance we do. He knows he’ll get what he wants. I know he’ll get what he wants. He knows I’ll fight it to the end, be shitty and refuse to like it. I know he’ll do it anyway and I’ll live with it, eventually liking it but always holding it against him. It’s how we work. It’s how we’ve always worked. I guess we like it in some weird way. It’s how it’s been for 22 years.

For Christmas we bought ourselves a new tv, the other one was dying but still works as long as you don’t turn it off, ever. For the last 4 months it’s been on permanently. Now we have a new one, what do we do with the old one? Well I would just throw it out. It’s old, it’s tired and needs to go. So you can imagine my horror when the King announces he wants to mount it on the opposite wall and we can have DUAL tv’s…. OH MY Fucking God , just push the stake straight into my beating heart!

We are NOT having 2 tv’s on the wall, that’s just stupid. His argument is that we can make it a photo frame running on the computer so we can have our pictures displayed. It’s a lie, I know, and he knows I know, sure it’ll do that too but really it’s so you can see a tv from ALL angles of the room, every chair. So that the movie we’re watching can be blasted in visual stereo around the room but also so he can bounce his laptop or ipad onto the big screen for better viewing.

I understand his evil plans very well, I just don’t wanna live with them.

The battle waged long and hard yesterday……………….. I lost, there was never really any doubt but it had to play out and in that loss I had an epiphany. I understood why I fight everything he wants to do. It became clear, right before my eyes and I could explain it.

I fight all change just to feel like I COULD have a normal life.

Funny but I feel like I should be standing in a room with uncomfortable chairs all in a circle saying this. ‘Hi my name is Molley and I fight change so I can feel normal.’

It’s a mad, mad, world out there but believe me when I say it’s madder in here.

Stereo tv's and the odd laptop

Stereo tv’s and the odd laptop

Comments 12

  1. Dueling TV’s lol Sounds like my man, too.

    Thank you for letting us in to your crazy life. And I hope you get some amount of normal every now and then. But I gotta say, it does sound exciting 😉

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  2. Hi Molley! Thanks for linking up with my NO RULES Weekend Blog Party 🙂 Your life is CRAZY!!!

    Happy New Year 🙂

  3. I learned long ago that there is NO normal, just normal for me, and that’s a fluid, ever changing state. Nobody else could live your life like you can and that’s what makes you who you are. Celebrate your normal. It’ll be different tomorrow. (but you’ll probably still have dueling TVs.).

  4. I so felt you when you said you like to go with the flow, just to avoid conflict.
    I have the same problem and it sucks. You go through the whole cycle of allowing ppl to disrupt your plans/schedule, then getting mad/resenting them for disrupting your plans/schedule and it just keeps going and going in that same circular fashion ’til…

  5. Holy crap! My husband flipped today when I asked to hang three pictures on the wall where there used to be just 2…

    You are just adorable! Thanks for joining my 2013 Lucky Blog Hop today! Let’s not be NORMAL at all!! But Dear Gawd, I hope that tv falls off the wall tonight- wink- wink- wink!!

  6. Oh my, whilst I can leave one state visit Australia and then move back to another State I could not handle 2 tv’s in one room. You are way braver than me. I banned the one from our bedroom!

  7. Sounds like a crazy life for sure!! You’ve stuck with it for 22 years, so I imagine your not going anywhere. I personally don’t see how you do it. 🙂 My hat is off to you. 🙂

  8. I feel your pain. You saw my Christmas card right? I love how you put it that you fight change to feel like you have a shot at being normal. I just ask myself what is Normal? And if ideally wanted I why did make the choices I did… Because I love my crazy ass husband for taking my on the crazy ride. Congratulations on 22 years! That’s brilliant.

  9. Wow!! My husband is so like your husband!! He’s also the crazy one and the social butterfly! We would have about 1/10th of the friends we have now if it were up to me to choose people to hang out with! I’ve learned to take it, despite my inner introvert screaming! And, he hates throwing any kind of electronic! We still have our first big screen TV… I can’t wait to see if he does the same!! 😀

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