When I was little I dreamed of a life, a normal life, you know, married, children, home, a nice, neat normal life. You know what I mean, the suburbs, the 9 to 5…..I’m thinking Brady Bunch or Huxtables. Either one works for me, they’re nice happy families with just your average issues, comfortable income, nice home, well rounded lives……Here’s where it all falls down…..It’s fucking Television! Am I kidding myself?
Sadly yes………….I don’t have that life, I won’t ever have that life. I have this life. The life where computers out number family members, where once my living room was a repair shop for dozens of computers. They’d live on the coffee table, permanently in pieces.
I have a life where musicians record in my home until 3am, where board meetings happen on a Sunday around our dining table. Where film crews come and invade.
Our businesses have always been in our home, punctuated with office space elsewhere, which lasts about 6 month only to be back in our home. I learned how to breastfeed in my living room surrounded by staff.
I never know how many mouths I’ll feed at a meal but because of this I’m exceptionally good at making meals go around to extras.
I live a life where, when the door bell rings and The King announces “oh yeah so and so is coming for dinner!” palm to face, I smile and be gracious. Where there’s always extra people coming or going.
Sounds exciting? ……Nope, it’s hard, I’m always on alert for change, things that will mess up my calm. I am patient, I am kind, I am easy going and I am all too accommodating. It’s my coping mechanism, I’ve learned to just go with the flow but I hate it. I hate change, it makes me feel out of control and vulnerable, never knowing what comes next. I’m not very adventurous, although I’ve done some amazing things. I would never have done them if I hadn’t met The King.
He’s the adventurous one, the thrill seeker, the one who needs pressure and change and discomfort to function. And that’s how we live our lives, always changing something, even if it’s as small as the living room furniture. Things never stay the same. As soon as things get easy and comfortable then he sets about a new challenge, a way to get the adrenaline he needs to function optimally. Unfortunately for me that means adjusting to new all the time and a new rash or other stress trigger 🙂
That’s how we ended up here in the US in the first place!
I fight it all the time, I want calm and normal, everything the same… it’s safe. The King comes up with hair brain ideas ALL the time, almost daily and I always say no and get cross and fight it, not because I think I can win but because I need to, just to live in the hope that we might have normal lives. It’s a funny dance we do. He knows he’ll get what he wants. I know he’ll get what he wants. He knows I’ll fight it to the end, be shitty and refuse to like it. I know he’ll do it anyway and I’ll live with it, eventually liking it but always holding it against him. It’s how we work. It’s how we’ve always worked. I guess we like it in some weird way. It’s how it’s been for 22 years.
For Christmas we bought ourselves a new tv, the other one was dying but still works as long as you don’t turn it off, ever. For the last 4 months it’s been on permanently. Now we have a new one, what do we do with the old one? Well I would just throw it out. It’s old, it’s tired and needs to go. So you can imagine my horror when the King announces he wants to mount it on the opposite wall and we can have DUAL tv’s…. OH MY Fucking God , just push the stake straight into my beating heart!
We are NOT having 2 tv’s on the wall, that’s just stupid. His argument is that we can make it a photo frame running on the computer so we can have our pictures displayed. It’s a lie, I know, and he knows I know, sure it’ll do that too but really it’s so you can see a tv from ALL angles of the room, every chair. So that the movie we’re watching can be blasted in visual stereo around the room but also so he can bounce his laptop or ipad onto the big screen for better viewing.
I understand his evil plans very well, I just don’t wanna live with them.
The battle waged long and hard yesterday……………….. I lost, there was never really any doubt but it had to play out and in that loss I had an epiphany. I understood why I fight everything he wants to do. It became clear, right before my eyes and I could explain it.
I fight all change just to feel like I COULD have a normal life.
Funny but I feel like I should be standing in a room with uncomfortable chairs all in a circle saying this. ‘Hi my name is Molley and I fight change so I can feel normal.’
It’s a mad, mad, world out there but believe me when I say it’s madder in here.