Tap, Tap... clears throat... Is this thing still on?
Yes, I know it's been a long while but I have decided I need to write again. I've missed you! Really I have. Forgive me for my absence. It's been a struggle...
So much of life these days has been busy, confusing and difficult for me as we have all moved into different life phases. Grand Master D has become a fully formed human, graduating high school back in 2017 and has since been doing some different service jobs while also saving money and studying his chosen craft of piano playing. I assume world domination is next. It feels very strange to have an adult moving around the world. He's out late at night playing gigs and hanging around musicians, travelling to foreign places unaccompanied, free to drink and do other adult things. I never planned that would be his life but I suppose I should have known, he did have a bedroom next to the control room and across the hall from the drum booth from birth. Osmosis clearly has been working in the background.
Miss Gremlin is now in 10th Grade and continuing her brilliance in theatre and rugby. That's about all I'll be allowed to say about that 🙂 so don't ask.
Life has tossed and turned itself around and nothing that we thought was coming next, came next. I know that sounds cryptic, I'm not trying to be but I am also looking to find a comfortable space to continue to share while not sharing things that the children no longer appreciate.
My role has changed as a parent and caregiver as it does when your children grow but not always the way you expect. The teenage years continue to bring new challenges that leave you doubting every single fibre of your being. This is not news to any of you I'm sure but I have struggled to find the right way to manage it all.
I guess you could say I've hit midlife head-on, without a helmet!
I do not recommend.
I don't really think you are ever fully prepared for how you will feel and how you lose yourself; who you are and what's your purpose when you're no longer needed in a certain way.
It's not something you are warned about, which is a shame because I have really felt quite blindsided. Spending 20 years at home raising humans who, if you do it right, don't need you too much anymore feels strange and empty.
Writing again, I am hoping, will help me clear my thoughts and build a new normal next phase. A place where I can feel useful and productive beyond the day to day trenches of motherhood as they go out into the world.
Tell me I'm not alone...