Sex is a powerful thing, it sells, as advertisers have proven time and again.It’s all over our world, in movies, in magazines. It’s targeted to younger and younger audiences every year. Men and women everywhere are all out for the feel good of sex. Casual sex, paid for sex, married sex, adulterous sex. We all want it right?
But what if you don’t? Every one’s having it! We all get off all the time. But what if you’re not or you don’t? Something must be wrong with you right? Because society has been conditioned to think we MUST have sex, think about sex and talk about sex all the time. There’s no argument from me that sex is fun. I’m as kinky as the next chicken, wait, what? Um, ok, so I know how to have a good time. My past kinda proves that.
But there’s a big white elephant in the room. Behind the closed doors of relationships what’s really going on? If you have kids then you know how hard it is to juggle intimacy with sleep and breast feeding, sleep schedules, co sleeping/crying it out, work and so many other pressures. As women we develop headaches to get out of it. Why do we do this? Probably because by the time it comes to sex, you have nothing left. You’ve spent the day negotiating with a toddler not to put smarties up his nose, your 6 month old refused to sleep at all and wanted to nurse ALL day. You didn’t get a shower and you feel like a blob.
So many women need help. The pressure placed on women is unfair. Unrealistic expectations by society, the media and those movie stars who can snap back into shape before their abdominal muscles have even closed over, bitches. For the rest of us we feel like big, fat, smelly failures.
We want it but we need the foreplay first and I’m not talking about the five minutes of groping before penetration. I’m talking about the hours before when he helps and understands you’ve had a rough day, so he orders in or cooks fried eggs for dinner. He does the dishes or deals with the kids while you have a shower. That’s the real foreplay.
What happens to men when they don’t get it?
Men are physical, nearly every man I’ve ever met has trouble getting in touch with their emotions. It’s a crippling thing. They think they have to be tough all the time. That letting their guard down and showing emotion is weakness. From day one they’ve been told boys don’t cry. Little girls fall over and they get scooped up and smooched and kissed better, little boys? Well they get told, get up you’re ok, you’re tough, boys don’t cry. As parents we don’t even realise we’re doing it. So the conditioning starts at the beginning. Then as adults they’re expected to forget all that and be soft and sensitive and in touch with the exact emotions they spent a lifetime suppressing! How’s that for fucked up!
No wonder books are published about being from different planets. It’s tough to relate to what you don’t understand. As a general rule, men see sex as the way to show love and affection. It’s just how they do it. We as women have to learn to understand that. So then when we reject sex because we’re tired, we’re rejecting them. Of course we’re not but that’s what they think. If you get rejected enough then you give up and look elsewhere. It’s a fact, a man’s mood is connected to his dick. Happy dick, happy man!
But when do we compromise, when do we give it up just to make them happy and when is it abuse or worse yet rape. No should mean no. ‘I don’t feel like it’ should be the end of the discussion but is it? Mostly not. If you have a horny husband, he’s gonna try all his tricks to get into the hole. It’s what they do. They pester, cajole, and downright harass to get a piece of the furry magnet. They can’t help it. They have a physical need. But there’s a selfish streak there too. They don’t really care if you’re too tired or you have a headache, they will pester until they get it. If you finally give in and they get what they want, they’re usually snoring within a minute while you lay there wondering how you let it happen, again. If you are forced, physically or emotionally, then it’s against your will. If you are hounded and harassed until you relinquish your body for their use, you’ve been violated. Sometimes you get into it. Sometimes you really did want it but didn’t realise, sometimes you’re so pissed off ,you use it as a release for your aggression but sometimes you just feel used.
Nobody talks about marital rape. If you said no and still had sex then by definition that’s what just happened. Sure you make excuses. It ‘s not a nice thought at all. Especially with the definition of rape and the thought and feelings is conjures. Being raped by a stranger would be terrible, scary, probably the horrifying thing anyone could go through. I am so very lucky to never have experienced it. The total lack of control and personal violation would be so very hard to get over.
The current case where those two high school football kids have been convicted is a classic example though, of how we treat the victims. Not a single mention by the media of how it ruined her life, how awful it would have been for her, its all about the tragedy of their young lives and how they have ruined their chances… that’s fucked! Our society is more concerned about two arsehole kids, who got drunk, saw a girl who was not in a clear state of mind and took advantage of her. It’s unforgivable. Women are not objects but we continue to be looked upon as such. Little girls are becoming more sexualised at an early age, advertising gets into the heads of children. The message we are sending is wrong. Even movies are becoming more violent sexually. It’s never ok to force a woman to have sex against her will. Be it a stranger or your wife. How do we teach boys and men to honour this?
How do we fix it?
What are we doing as a society that makes rape something that is tolerated and the victim feels like it was her fault. It’s NEVER her fault, even if you think she was asking for it. Nobody asks for that. So many rapes go unreported because the woman knew the attacker or it was a date rape, she may have been drugged or just too drunk. Just because you have a vagina doesn’t make it free to whomever so ever may desire it. Date rate, stranger rape or marital rape is a violation of our bodies which we need to fight against from the time a little boy is born. Teach them to respect women all the time. It doesn’t matter if we’re passed out drunk or walking home for school, work or in our own beds. No means NO, it does not mean keep trying until I say yes, or force me or violate and leave me… or maybe kill me. Why is this horrid act getting more prevalent? Every woman who is raped is someone’s mother, daughter , sister or friend. We need to protect every single one.
We need to stand up as a society against sexual assault, tell the world we won’t tolerate it under any circumstance. Teach our children both boys and girls about it. Teach young girls to be more careful, so they don’t find themselves passed out at a party with the boys all having a turn. Teach boys not to lear at a woman and decide she’ll be nice and attack. Even in your own home, in your loving relationship, with the partner you married for better or for worse. If you have a headache all the time then you might need to seek counselling. You can’t deny him ALL the time, that’s not fair.
Sex is a part of marriage and something to be lovingly shared but it’s for both partners to mutually agree on, not for one partner to feel coerced or worse…
A woman has a right to decide EVERY time she wants to have sex. Let’s make that happen……..somehow, for all our daughter’s sakes…
These kinds of stories are not only sad from beginning to end, so many lives ruined, but even after it comes to its conclusion there is more tragedy. How people uninvolved then feel the need to publicly blame and threaten the victim is just beyond my comprehension.
Wow, that was quite intense for a morning read…I wasn’t expecting anything serious but you’re so right and everyone needs to hear it! Especially for all women….it’s sad but true…and we all get sucked into it and if we don’t or can’t meet those standards were not good enough….and it all falls back on us….
I think you hit the nail on the head with your comment on men and rejection. They see a physical denial as rejection much of the time. It’s not, but they see it that way and some react very badly. We don’t talk about choice and what it means as a society. We say things like ‘no means no’ but we don’t explain it and we don’t talk about it. Thanks for sharing this.
That was a great post, Molley! I do know what you mean about rejecting sex being equated to rejecting your man. But, after years of being together, your man also understands that sometimes you just are too tired. He may try and coax you but he knows when to stop if he sees that you’d really rather not! And, he doesn’t feel bad about it! And, we should stop feeling guilty for saying no occasionally (definitely not all the time!!)
On the other hand, a girl has every right to say no and their dates must be taught from very early childhood that ‘no’ means you back off!!
It’s such a difficult subject across the board, we’ve come such a long way but then we go back to the middle ages.
Well. You could have warned me. That was deep. I almost felt sorry for Desi until I read on. Then I was all, “Right!?!” The point? Balance. When our lives are balanced, our love is balanced. That’s a daily challenge. When Desi wants a little some, he offers to put the kids to bed while I take a bath. Works EVERY time. No coercing necessary. On the news story, that is unbelievable. We need to collectively speak up and stop blaming the victims!
Powerful Post Molley -you tackled a tough subject for a lot of women and did it beautifully!
Thank you Karen, and welcome!