This post is a little off colour, be warned BUT our house is off colour at the moment because of this stupid virus…and if you can’t laugh at your misfortunes then…..
Now if you’re following along, you’ll know that Grand Master D has been sick for a while. This stomach bug is a tough bastard and so far he’s lost 11 pounds, (5kgs) according to the doctor’s scale. That’s enough to make a middle aged woman jump for joy but a slim 13 you boy? That’s a lot of weight loss in 2 weeks.
So we went through the standard questions with the doctor for the 3rd time in 2 weeks and by now we’ve decided we really need to know more, and she gives us the little bottle set and sends us home with some instructions. Of course I’ve done this before, you can’t get to my age and not have had to collect a stool sample at some point in your life… or maybe you have and lucky you. Also I’ve handled more than my fair share of crappy nappies and dog doo doo and I’m not scared of a little shit under the nails but Grand Master D decided that he wanted to do this dastardly deed himself, to save me of course :).
The doctor’s instructions were simple, ‘go’ on a paper plate and use this wooden tongue depressor to scoop up a ‘little sample’ and deposit it into each receptacle, place the lid tightly back on, place into a ziplock and then a plastic bag and return stool sample in the morning for testing. Easy right?
The walk home was fun, the questions about crapping on a plate were funny because teenagers plus poop is still funny.
And so we wait and inevitably nature calls. I had all the supplies ready in the bathroom:
paper plates
vials
stick
gloves
ziplock
So Grand Master D announces he’s got this. I enquire “Are you sure? Because I’ve done this plenty and I’m happy to do it”.. “Nope, I got this Mum”….. “Okaaayyy” I say “But let me know if you need help.” ” NO I’m good”
And so I hover because I’m a parent, I walk away and then I come back, he’s taking a long time to scoop some poop and put it in the vial so I call through the door “you ok?”
“Yep” comes the reply so I walk away but then I hear gagging, the smell is wafting and it’s been 20 minutes…. so I gently prod “Grand Master D, are you sure you don’t need help. It’s shouldn’t take this long.”
“Yeah ok….”
And scene…
I walk into the bathroom, there’s a ‘filled’ paper plate on the floor, he has the gloves on and the stick in hand, the smell is rather overpowering as shit tends to be when exposed for a while… He has 2 of the 4 vials filled… TO THE TOP and there’s shit all over the sink! I burst out laughing and so does he.
OH MY GOD!
So I take the stick, quickly scoop the last 2 samples into the vials and dump the rest into the toilet, flush, put plate and stick into a bag, take it straight outside and down the trash chute while he puts the vials in the bag and disposes of the gloves. The bleach comes out and I re clean the freshly cleaned sink that the cleaner has JUST finished. He scrubs furiously at his hands as I clean all other bathroom surfaces for the third time.
It’s at that exact time that Miss Gremlin arrives home from school and is horrified by the goings on.
So for those following along that makes “4 vials of crap, 3 times for cleaning, 2 children scarred for life and a plate of shit on the bathroom floor! ” (My very own 12 days of Christmas) you’re welcome…I’m a sharer.
It wasn’t until later on that Grand Master D actually divulged the finer ‘details’ of his escapade and admitted he may be scarred for life. As for those details I’m sure you’re scarred enough but let’s just say he didn’t move the paper plate….yes he pooped on it, ON THE FLOOR! The imagery of that alone is just hilarious!
So the lessons he learned here? A sample is not the whole bottle, even your own shit stinks, letting Mum do it is just fine, and he’s never eating off a paper plate again 🙂
Kids are fun!
*this post could have had pictures but in the interest of public safety you will have to use your imagination.Again, You’re welcome!
Comments 12
As someone who gives instructions to teens about collecting stool samples, this post taught me a lot! So funny. It’s amazing the things that moms see and do for their kids.
Author
Glad to be of assistance!
Oh my goodness as horrifying as this can be, this is fairly funny story that needs to be on the crap happens forum. 🙂 I had to do this with my oldest son a few years ago but thankfully the dr was kind enough to send us home with one of those hats that go on the toilet made for collecting specimens of this sort. I hope everything turns out okay and that your son feels better.
hahhahaha.. I had to step away for a moment. LAUGHING. SO. HARD. Oh please don’t tell him they have easier ways (the ‘hat’) to collect samples, he may want to beat the doctor with the paper plate. I worked in a lab for a few years and we got all kinds of samples collected all kinds of ways but NEVER EVER have I heard something this funny. Sometimes ya just gotta laugh! oh jeez, i’m still snickering now.. !! Thx for the morning giggle 🙂
LOL! Another thing to cross off your bucket list 😉
Hope your son feels better
Author
yeah!
Thanks, he seems to be fine now.
A really funny post. You paint a (too) vivid picture.
I suspect the state of your bathroom resembled that of my parents one evening last summer. My father had recently been discharged from hospital with a temporary colostomy bag. While in the bathroom changing it, he let fly with an almighty sneeze – I think you can guess the rest! Thankfully, my father’s bowel has been successfully reconnected and they can both laugh about the shit-fest last August.
Author
Holy Moly! Yeah shit is funny …..after the fact!
Ha ha! I mean, oh dear. Teenage boys, huh? It’s pretty mysterious the way their brains work sometimes. At least he let you in to help eventually!
HAHAHAHAHA! I’m still laughing very loudly. I have more than my fair share of poop stories, and this is priceless.
“So for those following along that makes “4 vials of crap, 3 times for cleaning, 2 children scarred for life and a plate of shit on the bathroom floor! ” (My very own 12 days of Christmas) you’re welcome…I’m a sharer.” HAHAHAHA!
“So the lessons he learned here? A sample is not the whole bottle, even your own shit stinks, letting Mum do it is just fine, and he’s never eating off a paper plate again” HAHAHAHAHA!
Author
It was a very interesting day indeed.
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