You know how you make those late night random Amazon purchases? NO? Just us then? Ok we could have an amazon problem but that’s for another day… I’m sure there’s a support group. We just settled down for the evening tv/computer thing we do after the kids have gone to bed and the King said ‘Have you checked the package room?’ Well, not knowing he had ordered anything, I hadn’t checked for a couple of days. ‘Have you checked the package room?’ is also code for can you go get the parcel in the package room please. And because I’m an excellent wife, down I go to the lobby bare feet in my pj’s, hey most of the neighbours have seen me in worse so… whatever. I find a package addressed to the King. Oh MY God, this man is totally ridiculous and naturally I tell him so as I walk in the door holding a box with a soft closing cherry wood toilet seat inside.
Well I’m here to tell you nothing goes as planned in this house ever.. it’s like there’s a special dispensation or something, for shit to get fucked up royally… I guess that’s why he’s the King!
The old toilet seat, which has been happily seating us for the last 7 years, is screwed on in the usual way but won’t come undone. As the swearing begins, I get the camera ready because I am almost certain that the porcelain will entirely shatter under the heavy handedness of the King. He’s banging with a hammer then drilling till the tip of the drill is red hot and then banging some more. You see the contractors in their ‘infinite wisdom’ (used very loosely) just used random screws and glued them in with sikaflex epoxy glue. Because why would you install something to be able to come off. Listen, these same people hooked up the hot water to the cistern so don’t even start… An hour passed, countless swears and a freaked out dog later, the new royal seat is ready to be placed on one’s throne but there’s a glitch, naturally. A toilet is a toilet is a toilet right? WRONG. Let me enlighten you with ‘toilets 101’. There’s round ones and elongated ones… We have a round one, but the new seat is elongated, because why would you check that detail when haphazardly ordering late night on amazon? It’s a minor detail but an important one nonetheless, which means that the mechanism is too long for the back and the installation isn’t really gonna work. For fuck sake! It’s 9:30 on a Tuesday night and we have one broken off loo seat and another which won’t fit..it’s at this point that I leave the room because it’s all getting too ridiculous for words. He follows me down and the discussion turns to options. Option 1. Do we return the seat and get the round one, which I found after a 27second search on Amazon (yes I’m THAT good) or Option 2. do we keep this one and buy a new elongated toilet?
You already know how this is gonna end, yes you do…. because it’s US.
So now we’re both furiously looking for the right toilet on Amazon, because why not. It must be elongated, and it must have jet flush because don’t even get me started with the shit that gets left behind in the current one! Pun entirely intended 🙂
And there it is… the throne for us, it’s a low flow, dual flush, jet expulsion, elongated mother fucker of a toilet! There’s probably extra arse washing attachments too but again that’s another post.
So now to solve the immediate problem, somewhere to sit and think…the King ascends to his chamber to attach the seat as best he can. It has adjustments and he manages to make it work. He’s nothing if not resourceful. It hangs over a bit at the front but it will do a fine job until the new toilet arrives. As he descends the stairs to announce that the throne is complete, I show him what else I have found, the perfect vanity for the children’s bathroom. I have wanted one for ages, we don’t have enough storage space and the pedestal sink we currently have is a total waste of space. He resists but as I explain, it’s not just the children’s bathroom but the main guest bathroom too, I also explain that the kids need places to put their stuff and Miss Gremlin will need places for her tampons and pads soon enough.. it’s at this point he cries out, ‘I don’t need an inventory, lady products would be just fine.’ So lady products it is. I’m totally sending him out to get some now …:) Evil? Probably.
Incidentally, while he was up in his throne room he managed to google a toilet installation video and reckons he totally has a handle on installing this new elongated bad boy upon arrival on his own. That will be a day to look forward to, now as for the vanity… I will have to work on him but I like my chances.
Tada…Like it? It suits us right? Of course it does and it doesn’t even look like the wrong size.