So you’ve found yourself the perfect partner. Congratulations, cos that’s a hard thing to do. You’ve dated, you’re compatible and you’ve decided to join together in Holy Matrimony until death do you part or until ‘this shit’s too hard, I’m out’. Whether it’s your first time or you’ve done the marriage/couple thing before, let’s be realistic, there’s a good chance one of you, if not both, already have children.
So how do you navigate the blended family? There are options I guess, you’re either all ‘Brady Bunch’ togetherness or you have some kids full time and some kids half time… or you have all kids sometimes. Whatever the configuration, you have to learn how to become a family unit and that’s not always an easy thing.
I’ve been a step parent since our marriage in 1999. The Princess was Miss Gremlin’s age and just the prettiest flower girl there was.
Along the way there have been mistakes made and difficult times but honestly, isn’t that just part of parenting? Step parents need to give themselves a break, no one’s perfect and trying to be will only cause you heartache.
But here are 10 things that might make the transition easier for all to be successful as a new family unit.
1. Remember you’re the adult and they’re the child, try to be kind, everyone is going through shit.
2. Never bad mouth their other parent to them, keep your opinions of your partners ex to yourself. If the child’s other parent has died, remember you’re not the replacement. No one can ever replace them, but you can share the child’s journey too. Never be afraid to talk to them about their parent, children need a good listener.
3. Don’t try to change them, love them for who they are. And in doing so, they may just return the favour!
4. When new children come along, or if you have your own, try really hard to be equal in your love and care. Don’t play favourites.
5. Expect to make mistakes, forgive yourself and them.
6. Expect resentment from your partner’s child/children, but remember time heals all wounds.
7. Don’t get involved in arguments with the ex, stay out of it and let the child’s parents sort it out, being the support person is important too.
8. Don’t try and compete with their other parent, don’t compare … You can set rules for your house and that’s fine. Kids adjust and actually prefer to know what their boundaries are. Even if it is just so they can cross them.
9. Take a step back often and try to see the bigger picture. Things are often not as bad as they seem.
10. Love is the key, everybody just wants to be loved. Many families succeed in blending like the Brady Bunch, but if yours doesn’t, just know you can only control what you do. You can’t make anyone love you. But if you’re kind and thoughtful and considerate… it’ll come.
Being a step parent certainly has it’s trials but is just as rewarding as parenting and no less frustrating or heartbreaking than if they were from your very own body. But they’ll also make you just as proud and a better person for having had the experience.